Nine years ago since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, it’s made me more sensitive to myself and my surroundings. I feel like a ticking time bomb through half of my day, worried something may arrest my mind and I would be trapped with whatever little thought(s), statement(s) and question(s) that began it all. Its The Chapters you don’t write and it just appears. It pains like going through love letters of the one that got away which you saw one day at a local shop, happily married and with children. And you’re here, still unwed and in no relationship since that break up. This was the daily cycle …. and then August 17, 2017 happened. The most tragic feat in my 26 years.
My little brother committed suicide.
I write this with tears welling up because it’s a wound that keeps ripping open. No matter how you do it and what you use. It wasn’t going to become a scar, it is forever open. I understand death happens, but death by inner demons, I remain defeat. With this loss, so many thoughts run rampant and you don’t know where to go with them; so you try and slowly put pieces together to help contain yourself. But trying became a useless word and that useless word became just letters. Therefore, this became “these days”. These days of uncontrollable crying, these days of heavy sleeping and then these days of no soul activities. My motivation began grieving for itself and I.
Three mornings in a row after his death, I awoke crying profusely. “If this is a one-liner … it’s a really bad one”, I said to myself. Yet, it was alive and thriving in my face. I hated jokes for awhile after. I didn’t get the point and I lived through them with some half-hearted smiles but mostly blank stares. And then I began questioning everything. I mostly questioned, “is this me mourning myself (because of my mental attempts) through my brother’s death?” .. “Why am I coping with this loss a lot harder then those around me?” …I hate this…
Grief had me running the same circle. Its blunt force trauma to my mind as it sat far enough to watch, masterminding it’s next move as I’m bleeding out. This had me in mental solitude, giving me life to contemplate. ..”I am struggling with depression, but I couldn’t help. We both would’ve drowned without a fight to survive”… At least that’s how I saw it. I didn’t want to consider his because I was struggling to control mine. And now I feel an immense sense of guilt.
Two weeks after the passing, I had my first dream about him. He didn’t come gentle, he appeared as a a rotting presence. He sat in a crouched position, reaching his hand out to me but I was too afraid to reach back and cowered away. Even in death, I wouldn’t help him. Only after I woke up that I realized how useless I was. I wasn’t living to improve my mental health. He was a significant part of my life and of course I realize it after he’s gone.
So he came back … in a second dream where he was a solider. He was returning home after a long war in one piece and with the biggest smile. If you knew him, all of these homecoming videos burrowed a dwelling in his to-watch box. And I didn’t see it at first, but then I realized why I watched them. The idea of coming home to someone who waits day in and out for you for months and years. To feel loved and be loved. That’s why he viewed them.
I could sit here and wish this and that, but it’s not going to change anything. It definitely isn’t going to magically summon back the one who has gone. In Alvis’ goodbye letter, he said he’s sorry for not being good enough and to continue with life and all the things that come with. But THAT was it, he didn’t have to be good enough, he was him and much more. I didn’t know this kind of miss until you showed me little brother. It’s the most tragic kind but it lets me know our sib bond was real.
…This is a process .. one day at a time.
(You’ll be my little brother. Always & Forever.)
P.S. This cape does good. I definitely feel invincible on a day this is on.
I’ve never tried the boyfriend trend (boyfriend jeans, boyfriend blazer or button up) …until this jacket. There isn’t a particular reason why but I’ve seen some bloggers pull it off quite well. I’d like to think of boyfriend clothes as something I cuddle up and sleep in. Though this jacket changed that. This piece is perfect for office wear, a great twist on the traditional blazer. I purchased it from Express, in which I rarely shopped until a few months ago because of the Petite Sizes addition.
I would definitely wear it for holiday parties. Here, I paired it with this dotted blouse from Banana republic. Both have subtle character but work really well together.
And of course orange is a must for Fall. Every time I pair orange and black, I can’t help but think it’s Halloween all over again.
I know I’m late to the game with this boyfriend trend but I love it with this velvet jacket. I plan to try boyfriend jeans next. I’m very much into tailored pieces for the sake of my small frame, so something that’s supposed to be worn over sized is a challenge. But stay tuned and you may just see something new fall into my wardrobe.
I used to only wear florals as a Spring staple because the season was right. But it seems, everything fits into Fall if you change the tone of the colors just a bit. These romantic florals go right along with the color of the leaves. At the beginning of Fall I wore this burnt orange dress in this post and it quick became a season staple. Reason being how easy it was to wear and you could dress it up or down.
With this dress, I quickly picked it up without thinking twice. Forever 21’s dresses this Fall are so appropriate and their on trend pieces are very affordable. Something in which I look for if I don’t see myself wearing it through to next season.
Can you see how sweet these ruffles are? Absolutely feminine and so chic.
I have to say again, how much fun I had in this little dress. Even my boyfriend commented on how nice I looked and he’s never one to comment on my outfits because fashion is the furthest from interest to him.
So get in on it and shop this look below. Wear it out for a date or just because, it’s so worth it!
What’s more appropriate than a sweater dress and over the knee boots for Fall! It screams comfy yet chic and is easy to throw together for a date night. We went down to this fancy Cafe & Bar in Minneapolis that sits across the Sculpture Garden. This little date had been in the works for a year and I honestly don’t know why we waited! The alley way leading up to it was like something out of New York.
Though I have never been to New York, it seems to exist here and there in parts of Minneapolis. I definitely don’t mind that since it keeps the cost of traveling at bay. But when I need to feel life, I like the hustle Minneapolis gives.
There’s so much of Minnesota that I’ve yet to see. I’m always planning something when I run across a picture on Pinterest and have it planned down to the detail.
… traveling is wonderful but staycations are amazing too …
I can’t get enough of this pink trench!! Though this color may be trendy, I’ve been able to wear it through last season and this. And of course it’ll fit in with Spring. I paired it here with a mini houndstooth skirt. I overlooked the idea of pink and black paired, forgetting that they work so well together.
After I purchased this coat, this color pairing has become one of my favorites. I believe it’s because pink is such a bright feminine color while black and white are more subdued.
What’s your favorite colors to pair together? I also like purple and yellow or pastels. And I’m quite excited for the Christmas because jewel tones will come out to play. The nostalgia of childhood memories is strong when anyone talks Christmas. Funny how I’ve completely jumped over Halloween and Thanksgiving. Two other fun holidays, but they just don’t quite live up to the lights, a winter wonderland and a warm fireplace.
What’s better than a monochromatic outfit? .. absolutely nothing; especially when you’re petite and need to look taller than you really are. But really, let’s adore this skirt for a minute… I’m usually not a python print kind of gal but this skirt was such a good silhouette and it pairs so perfectly with this laced sleeve sweater. I’m swooning ..
Gloomy days call for a pop of something and so this red leather jacket came out to play. I’m really happy with this purchase because of the fit and feel and the price was great! And you can see it all over the blogsphere of other bloggers wearing it over-sized but I don’t think it works with my frame.
Zara did an amazing job in their outerwear department this season. They have other colors as well and I’m really interested in the army green and mustard leather jackets. Those colors would definitely be perfect for Fall and Winter.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. Stay tuned for more cold weather outfits. I can’t wait for a full bloom of Fall colors to arrive!
Can we just take a moment to adore the color of this trench coat?! Ahhh…. I literally squealed upon seeing this on ASOS. I was looking for a pink coat to wear in Fall and not all the clothing sites I had encountered carried the correct petite size. Or one that wouldn’t cost me more to have it tailored . And I actually went on ASOS a couple times before I found this one.
I’ve purchased petite clothing from ASOS in the past, but not outerwear. And I will say it runs true to size. The sleeves hit right at the wrist and the length does not overwhelm my petite frame. I am 5’1″ and the coat length is 32 inches. I absolutely would look into ASOS coats/jackets if you want to update your outerwear wardrobe and you are petite like I am.
It’s definitely befitting for a train ride too. We went to Osceola, Wisconsin and this was my first short travel by train. It was a 20 mile tour along Osceola & the St. Croix river. I should’ve waited a few more weeks for all the leaves to turn their colors but that thought strayed later on.
But my boyfriend and I have been looking into states neighboring our home state or near by that we could further explore. We thought maybe because we’re still growing our international travel fund, we could journey close to home. Of course that costs some, but it doesn’t break into our other fund. And so as the first place, we found this train depot. I loved the experience of a classic train ride. And the color inside very much reminded me of something from the 1950’s. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you Osceola!