Last year happened so quick consisting of many ups and downs. I’ve heard and seen a lot of “how great 2017 has been” and vice versa. What I didn’t see coming was the death of my younger brother. It still pains me to think about how swift suicide comes in and captures someone. 2017, was the worst year for me.
But here we are in a brand new year, with 365 days to make it great. I am able to write new pages to my life from what I’ve encountered in the last year and what I can do to improve it. I am determined to pass along more kindness and courage. And I am aggressively more determined to make each day count. Death is such a sad story, but from it I have also learned the meaning of life. Never have I magnified into my memories, big or small. There were great times from what I can recollect, but the Polaroids are missing; the smiles from yesteryear, the still laughs, the silly poses .. the people who made those moments, THE MOMENT in that space and time.
I indict myself for the lack of capturing people. places and time. I am oblivious to a life behind the camera when it comes to the things I just want to enjoy. I got used to the blinking ever so often just to capture enough of it into the files of my mind. This little home I’ve grown into, even the crevices have a say, are used to one directional warmth. So it’s time to spread the contentment a little further and expand the walls.
This expansion will be different though. As a closet introvert, I find change to be scary. It’s not the activity but the unnerving outcome I want to see first. So it’s ironic that I enjoy spontaneous adventures. In my post HERE, I briefly mention the state my mind swims in. I’m an anxious individual that thrives on structure because my anxiety takes on it’s own character when I derail. The definition of structure in my home is comfort. It’s not needing to be afraid because I know where everything lies. But change will be good.
2018 is about looking at myself in a new light. It’s about making things grow bigger and better. It’s also making amends with things of last year. I’ve never committed myself to resolutions and there’s never been a specific reason until now. I’ve sat cradled comfortably for quite too long, and now I’m looking for more to life. If I could tell my 18 year old self a few things, it would be to :
1. Never take anything too seriously because life happens and plans change.
2. Embrace the good, the bad and the weird because they make you, You.
3. Your timeline is different from everyone else so don’t needlessly compare.
4. Take in the sunshine, enjoy some calming tea and meditate (to my forever anxious self).